01. i shall become a collector of me

am i doing enough?

feel like im wasting my time

prom, ctrl. sza

i started this blog to collect the pieces of my soul. i lie, scattered all over, waiting for the promise of unified perfection.

i am 23. no job (yet), no money of my own, living in an old new city, broken and boring. by previously established standards, i am a nowhere girl. each day, my minds splits in two as the memory of my past and the imagination of my future fight for a seat at an empty table.

i am trying to forge myself, to pull myself together, to make something of this, to be someone.

i feel so out of control. i had once been a joyful participant in my life but now it seems that all things happen to me and not for me. my mind has returned to a former position of worthlessness and invalidity, and my world has reflected that back to me.

it burns.

the reflection, it burns.

but, i know all things pass. and change is the only constant.

so, for now, i will swirl and turn, haplessly and freely while i float through the abyss of self-creation.

i will remain persistent in my effort to change, in my journey to the land of milk and honey.

i will embrace the present, even if it leaves scars on my chest and scabs on my back from its touch.

i will, forever be, a black girl out of control.